I've got a race to lose.

Don't tell anyone, but I think I'm secretly competitive.

Like, I don't care if you win at Uno, you can have a higher grade than me, that's fine. Except... not really?

Have I been competitive my whole life but the lazy-kind? The kind prone to feeling deep irritation over someone being better than me at something, but not irritated enough to try to be...better?

If you invited me over to your dinner party and said that we'd be playing games after, I'd chuckle and tell you I'm not competitive -- but maybe that's not true. Because, see, I very desperately want to win.

Why have I never noticed this about myself?

I may not push myself harder to "be better" but boy do I keep score.

My scorecard gets fuller and fuller everyday, as I subconsciously tally who is winning, and how I'm not.

I compare, I take note. I seethe.

The worst happens when I feel like I have been the best, but not gotten the credit I deserve.

I'll sacrifice and surrender and try -- try so very, very hard -- and it will seem as if the recipients of my greatest efforts merely shrug. Or, sometimes, they act like no effort was given in the first place.

Have you ever spent time in a place, established roots, had to leave, and then witnessed everyone pretend that you were never there in the first place?

You know, really what I'm after when I keep score or crave praise is acceptance. I'm running from rejection. And if I'm the best -- the brightest, the winner -- then people will have no choice but to accept me.

But that's not really true, either, is it? Because Jesus was God and we still killed him. Jesus healed the incurable, loved the unlovable, laughed at parties and was charming and charismatic and it still wasn't enough. By our worldly, American ideals, Jesus lost. Jesus wasn't accepted or adored. At least not in any way that could save him.

What's funny is that Jesus didn't care. He wasn't trying to be better than anyone else. He was trying to prove a point:

“So those who are last now will be first then, and those who are first will be last.” -Mt. 20:16

The losers will actually win where it counts. Jesus is saying the poor, destitute, downtrodden and forgotten will be first in the kingdom of Heaven. And maybe the folks who focus on loving them will be first, too.

The grand prize of acceptance and love is offered to ANYONE and to EVERYONE who seeks to serve, to grow in wisdom, to learn and to listen. What are we competing against, then? Who is our enemy?

For me, I'm realizing my enemy is anything within myself that distracts me from running after Christ.

I don't have time to outrun or outshine you, anymore -- I've got a race to lose.

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

-Hebrews 12:1-3